I'm Not Fine
by Jayne Leigh
Summary: Four years have passed since Josh beat cancer. Now he's running the Santos' campaign when he faces the same battle except this time he doesn't have all his friends around to support him.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, hi….So, this story is back. This is a sequel to my story 'I'm Fine.' I am so incredible thankful for everyone who reviewed, added to their favorite/alert lists or who got in contact by PM and Twitter. I'm still surprised at the reaction to my story and I hope you enjoy this story just as much. **

**This story is not going to be as long as 'I'm Fine' and I already have it pretty much finish but I am too impatient to leave the first few chapters on my computer doing nothing lol. I also would love the feedback to know whether people are interested in still reading it.**

**It's set during season 7 during the Santos campaign. You probably don't have to read my first story to read this but please do and review it; it'll make me happy. **

**Enjoy**

**I'm Not Fine**

Josh Lyman looked up from the folder in his hands when he heard laughing. He saw the group of campaign staff all stood around a laptop, looking at something that wasn't related to the election…Donna was among them. He sighed and looked back to his work. He had meant it during her interview to be his deputy when he said he missed her everyday but he couldn't help but feel this was worse. She was so close to him…working with him every day but it was different now.

"You know even God took Sunday off."

Josh turned around and saw Leo stood behind him. "God wasn't trying to run a Presidential campaign."

"True." The old man nodded. "But seriously, everything is going well…You should take a couple hours…Go out for a drink…Relax."

"Leo..."

"Josh, this is the first time you've been in Washington for months…I bet you haven't been back to your apartment since you left the white house."

"I've been avoiding it." He admitted with a grimace. "I forgot to clean my fridge out before I left…"

Leo rolled his eyes, shaking his head a little. "Josh…"

"I just want to finish reading these polls…"

Leo took the paperwork out of his hands. "You're done for the day."

"You know you're not my boss anymore, right?"

"Oh please, like I'm ever going to stop telling you what to do."

"I guess that's a little wishing thinking on my part."

"Why don't you head out of here…Meet some friends…Go for a few drinks?" Leo suggested. He had been growing more concerned about Josh with each day.

"Friends?" He repeated. "You mean C.J who is avoiding my phone calls…Or Toby who just about to be thrown into jail…Sam's in California and Donna is…"

"And Donna is over there." Leo finished the sentence when Josh trailed off.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe I'll just get an early night."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes."

"I was told you had a doctor's appointment yesterday…."

"Just a routine checkup." Josh assured him. "Nothing to worry about."

It was coming up to four years since he had got the all clear from leukemia and although he had to go back for regular test, he was able to get on with his life. He returned to being Deputy Chief of Staff and was more determined than before. He had been disappointed when Sam had decided not to come back after losing his election but he could understand. It had been a brutal couple of years and Josh knew that Sam took a lot of hits. He wasn't in politics for the fast paces, cut throat world…He had just wanted to make a difference. After the shooting, Josh fighting cancer, his father's affair and the President's MS, Josh wasn't surprise that his best friend needed a break from it all. He had considered it himself after everything that happened with Senator Chris Carrick.

Things had changed over the past four years… They had lost Sam to California…Donna had almost been killed in Gaza….Leo had a heart attack…C.J got a promotion and Toby had allegedly leaked top secret information.

"Josh…" Leo shook his arm. "Josh?"

"What?" He snapped back to the present. "Sorry, what was that?"

"You spaced out for a minute there…" Leo frowned. "What's going on?"

"Nothing…" He sighed. "Just thinking…"

"Josh…"

"I might get that early night…" Josh started to back out of the room. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Josh?" Leo called again but the younger man didn't stop.

"Leo, is everything okay?"

He turned and saw Donna looking concerned. "Yeah, sure…."

"Do you need anything?"

"No." He gave her a small smile. "Hey, Donna?"

"Yeah?"

"Has Josh said anything to you?"

"About what?"

"About anything…"

"We don't really talk too much…" She said sadly before continuing quickly. "I mean, we're both pretty busy at the moment so we don't get time."

"Right…"

"Why? Has something happened?" She questioned. "Has he said something to you?"

"No, no…I'm sure everything is fine." Leo tried to reassure her. "He just doesn't seem like himself…"

"You know how he gets during a campaign….He is just focused."

"You're probably right." Leo agreed and patted her arm. "I let you get back to your night off…"

"I'll be here if you need me." Donna told him.

Leo waved a hand dismissively. "I'm a grown man; I can take care of myself."

"I don't think Margaret would agree with that." Donna said with an amused smile.

"She's got to you to, hasn't she?"

"I couldn't possible say…" She said in a singsong voice as she walked away and glanced over her shoulder to continue. "The assistant code."

"I hate that code…" Leo muttered as he turned and left the room.

Josh was waiting for the elevator when he heard his name being called again and this time it was Otto that was approaching him.

"I got you that article from the Post you wanted to see. " He shuffled some papers in his hands before handing Josh the right one. "And you got a phone message from a Wallace Mitchell."

Josh frowned at the mention of his doctor. "What did he want?"

"Just asked for you call him back…He said it was urgent and he'll be at his office until late." Otto shrugged, giving him a slip of paper where he had wrote the message. "Do you want me to get him on the phone?"

"No." Josh replied, grateful that Dr. Mitchell had been discreet. "No, it's fine…"

"Okay, so what now?" Otto went to follow him onto the elevator when it arrived but Josh stopped him.

"Have the night off." Josh told him, keeping on hand on the elevator to stop the door closing.

"The night off?" Otto repeated. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Everyone is in the bar…Go join them." Josh replied. "You all deserve to have a bit of fun…Everyone has been working too hard lately."

He couldn't help but think back to eight years ago when he was working on 'Bartlet for America,' Leo had run a strict campaign but it didn't stop them all having a good time. He couldn't count the amount of time he, Sam, Donna, Toby and C.J escaped to go find a bar with a pool table and some decent music.

"Are you coming?" Otto questioned.

"No…" He shook his head. "No, I'm going to get an early night."

"But it's only 7:15…" Otto frowned.

"It's been a long week…" Josh ran a hand through is hair. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay…" Otto learned to the side as the elevator's door closed to stay in Josh's sight. "Good night…"

Josh stared at the phone message as he rode up to the floor where his room was. He was surprised to hear from his doctor so soon after the tests and had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. His ran over his appointment and Dr. Mitchell hadn't seemed concerned about anything other than the fact he had cancelled his appointment three times already. With travelling with the campaign, Josh hadn't been in DC to attend and he didn't feel ill, so didn't think it was a big deal. Maybe he didn't have anything to worry about and his doctor just wanted to give him the all clear before he left town again.

As he stepped off the elevator, he pulled out his cell phone and entered Dr. Mitchell's office number but he could not force himself to press the call button.

What if the cancer was back?

**TBC**

**Questions? Comments? Thoughts? Concerns? Hit the review button! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm please there are people out there still wanting to read. Thank you all so much for the review. Please keep them coming. As with 'I'm Fine' I'm still no doctor, so hopefully all the medical talk is believable. **

**Enjoy!**

**I'm Not Fine**

Donna was one of the last to leave the plane that took the Santos campaign from DC to Florida and the reason was because of the campaign manager. She had been watching Josh the whole flight and his actions were beginning to concern her. For two hours he sat alone, staring out the window. Not talking strategy. Not debriefing the Congressman or Leo. Not giving out orders. Not working on his laptop. Not playing around with his blackberry.

He had never been one to sit still and do nothing, even when he wasn't working; she just knew there was something wrong. After waiting until the rest of the staff had moved passed him, she headed in his direction when Bram appeared in front of her.

"Donna, Mrs. Santos is looking for you." He told her. "You said you would go over some points with her before the next event."

"Of course." She flashed him a smile but then frowned when she looked back to Josh and saw he was gone.

"Is everything okay?" Bram questioned.

"What? Oh yeah, it's fine…" She smiled again. "Come on, let's go."

She put Josh to the back of her mind for the time being but she knew she would have to talk to him soon. They could not carry on like this. She still considered him a good friend; they had been through so much together and despite the distant lately, he probably still knew her better than anyone.

_**XxXxX**_

As soon as they reached the hotel in Florida, Josh went straight to a meeting but as he sat there, he did not hear a word anyone said. No one seemed to notice they didn't have his attention and continued debating whatever the issues were.

Instead, Josh's mind was on the early morning appointment he had with Doctor Mitchell. The doctor refused to talk to him about it over the phone the previous night and insisted Josh stopped by before flying out.

Josh now wished he listened to his gut feeling and skipped the appointment.

The cancer was back… Worse than before.

Josh had tuned out after hearing those words. Immediately, he thought how ironic it was that it happened during another campaign. Then he started to try and work out what he would do now. He knew from last time that it would be near impossible to stay on the campaign trail, let alone run it while having treatment, then he heard two words that brought him back to conversation taking place…

_Hospice Care_

That only meant one thing…The cancer was untreatable…That he was going to die.

Suddenly, the campaign was the last thing on his mind. Now he was listening again, the doctor re-explained that the cancer had reached a stage where it was untreatable and the only treatment available was to make him more comfortable and prolong his life a little. When he had asked how long he had left, Dr. Mitchell told him it was difficult to know, that each patient was different, that it could be weeks or months.

He had left the doctor's office as quickly as possible, despite the Mitchell's effort to get him to stay to discuss it further and offers to call a loved one to come pick him up. He barely paused to accept leaflets containing information for support available and specialist doctors.

"Sir?"

Josh suddenly snapped back to the presence and found a volunteer stood in front of him;  
he looked like a teenager and Josh started feeling incredibly old.

"Mr. Lyman?" He tried again when he got no reply.

"I'm sorry, what?" Josh shook his head a little to clear it.

"Ms. Thornton asked me to give you this…" He held out a slip of paper.

Josh took it but let it drop down to the table as he leaned forward and rubbed both his hands over his face.

The kid hesitated before speaking again. "Is there anything I can get you?"

"No." Josh mumbled from behind his hands.

When he looked up a few minutes later, he was alone in the room. He briefly looked down at the paper but he couldn't concentrate enough to make the numbers make sense.

He pushed himself to his feet and paced around the small space between the table and the wall. The room was only small and since there no windows, the only light was coming from lamps in each corner.

He didn't know what to do. If he didn't have the treatment then he would die sooner rather than later…If he did have it, he would have to quit the campaign. Give up everything he had worked so hard for the past year. No one had taken them seriously when they first started…Even Leo and the President didn't believe they would make it this far but they did. They did because of him and because of Matthew Santos' ideas and charisma.

He swung a hand out and knocked a pile of folders off the table, papers spilling across the floor. He didn't even look down and instead pushed over a chair before the table.

He barely noticed what he was doing until there was a sharp pain in his wrist. When he looked around the room, he saw he had trashed everything and it looked like someone had robbed the place. He took a couple of deep breath before falling backwards, so he was leaning against the wall.

He had no idea how long he had stayed there when Lou, Otto and Bram entered the room. Their conversation stopping as they gaped at the mess.

"What the hell?" Otto questioned.

"Josh?!" Lou exclaimed.

Josh slowly looked up at them. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Bram asked.

"I'm fine…" He muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"What the hell happened?" Bram bent down to pick some files off the floor when Lou grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No, you shouldn't touch anything…If we've been robbed…"

"Why would we be robbed?" Otto frowned. "There is nothing valuable in here."

"Not valuable in money but we're running a Presidential campaign…Who knows what the opposition thought they would find in here."

"You think Vinick is behind this?" Bram said in doubtfully.

"We should call the police…" She pulled out her cell phone.

"Stop." Josh said, causing them all to look at him again.

"Josh, we can't just ignore this…"

"The press is going to go crazy…" Otto added, almost excited about the idea of discrediting the republication campaign.

"Just stop." Josh said again, this time more forceful. "It wasn't the Vinick campaign."

"Then who..?"

"It was me." He cut Lou off. "I did this."

"You did this?" Bram looked around the room again. "Why?"

"Because…" He started but then paused briefly. "Because there were no windows."

"What?" Lou stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about? Have you gone insane?"

"I need to go…." He shook his head. "I need to get out of here…"

"Josh?" Bram tried to stop him but he just pushed past him.

"Should we do something?" Otto looked at the other two.

"Like what?" Bram questioned. "We don't even know what happened."

"Maybe the stress got to him and just flipped…"

"Would you two stop yammering and start cleaning up?!" Lou ordered with her phone to her ear.

"Who are you calling?" Bram asked but Lou signal for him to be quiet and turned her back to him.

"Leo? Yeah, we have a bit of a problem…."

**TBC**

**Please review, let me know what you think! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, okay thank you so much for the feedback. Please keep them coming. Feel like I should put a warning up…This is not going to be a happy story. Lots of angst but I hope you still like it. **

**Enjoy! **

**I'm Not Fine**

Josh considered leaving the hotel and disappearing but could not think where he would go so instead he returned to his office, turning his cell off and put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. He sat on the window ledge, his head leaning against the glass as he stared out into the night sky. None of felt real…It felt like a dream that he couldn't just wake up from.

He didn't move when there was a knock on the door and didn't turn at the sound of a key card being activated.

Leo looked towards the younger man; trying to get an idea on how bad the situation was before he spoke. He quietly pushed the door closed and walked closer towards him. His conversation with the rest of the staff was running through his mind. They said he had trashed a room and no one knew why. They said he had been acting strange…that he had mentioned windows.

"How did you get a key to my room?" Josh was the one to break the silence but he still didn't move.

"I have my ways…" Leo answered. "You want to talk about what's going on?"

Josh stayed silent but Leo saw him close his eyes and started to bang his head lightly against the glass.

"Josh…"

"I don't want to talk about it." He said roughly. "I don't want to do this."

"I don't really think you've got a choice." Leo stepped even closer to him. "What happened?"

"I don't…"

"Josh." Leo cut him off. "What happened?"

"It's all gone wrong…" He whispered. "It wasn't meant to be like this…This is my time…My campaign…My chance to be the guy and do everything I've ever wanted."

"What's gone wrong?" Leo questioned. "It can't be that bad…"

This time Josh did turn and the look on his face caused Leo's heart to beat a little faster. He looked completely defeated…Lost…Broken.

"The doctor…" Josh started but stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

Leo's eyes widened slightly at the words. He knew Josh had had an appointment with his doctor. It was one that he had regularly a few times a year and over the past couple of years, it had become something no one worried about.

"It wasn't meant to come back, Leo…" Josh continued, shaking his head. "I beat it…I won…It wasn't meant to come back."

Leo ran a hand over his mouth as he struggled to breathe properly. He then placed a shaky hand on Josh's shoulder.

"It'll be alright…We'll fix this." He claimed. "We'll beat this again."

Josh shook his head. "I can't…"

"We will." Leo said more firmly. "We will."

"No, Leo…It's too late…too much…"

"What?"

"There's nothing that's going to stop it…No treatment." Josh admitted. "I'm going to die."

"No, that can't be right." Leo stated. "You must have heard the doctor wrong…"

"Leo…"

"No!" His gripped tightened on Josh's shoulder. "You listen to me…everything is going to be okay…this is just a misunderstanding."

Josh pushed himself to his feet and walked over his bag, bending down to grab the information the doctor had given him. "He gave me these…Why would he if it didn't mean…"

Leo took them, slowly looking at each of them. "He could be wrong…We'll get another doctor…"

"It's not going to change anything." Josh said frustrated. "It's not going to make it go away…"

"With today's treatment, who knows what they can do." Leo continued. "The sooner you start…"

"I'm not."

Leo frowned. "Not what?"

"I'm not having the treatment." Josh informed him. "I've decided it's not worth it."

Leo's mouth fell open. "Are you stupid?!"

"I've been thinking about this all day…"

"It's cancer, Josh!" Leo explained. "You've got to fight it! You can't give up!"

"You're not listening to me! I can't fight it!"

"It says here, the treatment can help prolong your life…" Leo held up on leaflet. "It can stop it from progressing…"

"Prolong it for what, Leo?" Josh questioned. "I've waited my whole life to do this job and I've worked damn hard to get here…If I have treatment then I will have to quit..."

"There is more to life than your career, Josh."

"No, Leo there is not…Not for me…not really." He shook his head. "I get what you're saying…There are people that I love…That I would do anything for but doing what I'm doing now is what I've dreamed of."

"You would do anything for the people you love….Would you die for them?"

Josh frowned a little at the question. "Yes…"

"Then live them." Leo pleaded. "Don't give up…Not yet."

"God…You make it sound like I'm holding a gun to my head and you're trying to talk me out of pulling the trigger."

"Aren't I?"

"If it was a case of having the treatment and praying that it worked, then it would be a different story but it's not going to work, Leo…" He shook his head. "I'm not going to beat it, so I'm changing the game…I'm going to win another way."

"What does that mean?"

"Anyone could walk out of their house and get hit by bus…or suddenly have a heart attack…people die just like that with no warning what so ever." Josh ran a hand through his hair. "At least I know that I'm going….At least I can plan and do what I want before I do go…"

Leo shock his head slightly, unsure what to say. He didn't know what to think. It seemed impossible that there was nothing that he could do to make this go away. He had been so used to having the power to fix most things but now he was helpless.

"You cannot just sit back and let this consume you."

"Leo, you're not getting it…I'm not letting it consume me...there is nothing I can do to get rid of the cancer but I damn well make sure that I have no regrets."

"The congressman won't allow you to miss treatment for his campaign."

"I know…That's why I'm not going to tell him."

"You can't be serious."

"He doesn't need to know."

"You think you can stop him finding out?" Leo asked. "He will somehow and he's going to pissed that you kept it from him."

"He won't because I'm not telling anyone." Josh claimed. "If you weren't here now, I probably wouldn't have told you."

"This is crazy…You're not thinking straight."

Josh sat down on the bed and looked up at him. "I just want to make the most of my life…I want the last thing I ever do to be making sure the right man is sat in the Oval Office."

"You cannot do this alone." Leo claimed. "You cannot pretend this is not happening…You have to deal with it."

"I am but I'm doing my way." Josh insisted. "Please, Leo…please listen to what I'm saying…I want to do this and I want to do without people treating me like I'm dying."

"Josh…"

"No one is going to know what to say or do around me and it won't take long for the press to get hold of it….I don't want this campaign to become about me and about this."

There was a knock on the door but they both ignored it.

"Please, Leo…" Josh pleaded. "Please, tell me you understand what I'm saying."

There was another knock, this time a little louder. "Josh?"

He turned at the sound of Donna's voice and stared at the door in surprise.

"Okay…" Leo eventually said. "I won't tell anyone…I'll keep it a secret."

Josh looked back at him and sighed in relief. "Thank you."

"But there are some conditions." Leo warned. "You have to be responsible…No working 22 hours a day…You got to try and at least take it a little easy."

Josh nodded a little; he had figured he wouldn't be able to over work even if he wanted to. "Okay…"

"Josh?!" Donna knocked again.

"And you have to tell her."

"What? No…"

"You have to tell her, Josh…" Leo walked past him and to the door to open it. "Sorry about that…"

Donna looked between the two men curiously. "Am I interrupting?"

"No, just talking campaign stuff." Leo gave her a reassuring smile.

"Well, I just come to see if everything was okay." She replied and then turned to Josh. "See if you need anything…"

"No, I'm fine."

"Actually, would you mind getting us some ice?" Leo grabbed the empty bucket from the table. "There's a machine down the hall."

Donna looked between the two of them; knowing there was something going on but she knew better to push. If it was just Josh she might try but things were different Leo were involved.

"Okay…" She nodded. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks." Leo flashed another smile.

They both watched her leaving the room in silence before turning to each other.

"Leo…"

"You have to tell her."

"But…"

"You have to tell her."

"Leo!"

"Josh." Leo's voice was calm and firm. "You have to."

He dropped down to sit on the end of the bed and covered his face with his hands. "It'll only hurt her."

Leo sighed and sat down beside himself. "Of course it will…but it'll hurt even more if you don't."

Josh stayed silent with his head down.

"I don't know exactly what happened between the two of you but you need to talk." Leo advised. "You know I will be here for you every step of the way and in any way you need me…but you need more…you deserve more….Talk to her, Josh…Even if it's just getting your friendship back on track…"

"We're fine…"

"Just trust me, don't let this become a regret because she's the one that has to live with it." Leo warned.

There was another knock on the door before Josh could reply.

"I'll leave you too it…" Leo stood up. "Call if you need me…for anything…at any time."

"Thanks." Josh said quietly, watching Leo crossing the room.

"Remember what I said." Leo added, before opening the door.

"Ice." Donna held the bucket out to him.

"Thanks." Leo took it but set it down. "Come on in…"

She stepped into the room as Leo stepped out. "I'll see you in the morning…"

Donna frowned when he closed the door and then looked back to Josh, who was studying the floor. "Y'know, you could have just said I was interrupting…I wouldn't have minded…You didn't need to send me for ice."

"You know how Leo is." Josh shrugged and forced himself to his feet.

"Are you okay?" Donna blurted out before she could change her mind. "I mean, Lou said..."

"Lou said I trashed the meeting room." Josh finished off. "I know…I did."

"Why?"

"Because life sucks." He sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "Look, Donna…We need to talk."

**TBC**

**How much do you hate a cliffhanger like that? *Runs away and hides.* **


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for all the reviews. Please keep them coming. Unfortunately, I've got an incredible busy weekend coming up with work and xmas parties, so the next update might take a little longer. Please be patient. **

**Enjoy!**

Donna tensed at his words…She begun to wonder if there was something more serious than the campaign going on and was terrified to find out what. She scanned her eyes quickly over him, in hope she could work out what was going on so she could be prepared for what he said. He looked tired and a little pale. She knew from the moment she joined the Santos campaign that he had lost weight but that wasn't surprising since she had pretty much spent most her time as his assistant, reminding him to eat. When she heard about his melt down and how he claimed the reason he smashed up the room was because there was no window, it had sent chills down her spine. The others didn't know the signification of what he had said and it just confused them, confirming that their campaign manager was just as weird as they thought he was.

She knew though…That one snowy, long Christmas was burned into her brain. They probably thought she was just as crazy as Josh by the way she immediately left and go find her ex-boss. She hadn't been completely surprised to find Leo in Josh's room…He knew too.

"Do you want a drink?" Josh offered, pulling open the mini-fridge and grabbing the only bottle in there. "I have water….and ice."

She smiled a little but shook her head. "What's going on?"

He closed the fridge and turned the bottle around in his hand. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

He shrugged. "I don't know…everything."

"Josh?"

"You have to know that I never meant…." He trailed off, trying to work out the right words. "I never wanted to hold you back…If I did; I didn't even realize…I thought you were happy."

"I was…" She cut in quickly. "I don't want you think I didn't enjoy my job or appreciate what chances you gave me…If it wasn't for you, I would have never got this far but I had to leave."

"Why?"

"Because things got weird…because I almost die and you were there then you weren't…" She shook her head a little knowing even as she spoke the words it didn't really make sense. "I didn't want to just be an assistant for the rest of my life but I didn't think I could ask you to help me be more…not after everything you had already done."

He frowned a little. "So you're not mad at me? You don't hate me?"

"God, Josh, no…Is that what you've been thinking?" She stared at him. "I never wanted you to think that…I know things haven't been the same since I left the white house but I've always been your friend."

He let out a long shaky breath. "You know that when I turned you down that job it wasn't because of this…It wasn't because I didn't want…"

"I know." She assured him, although it still hurt a little.

He nodded a little and turned to look out the window. That had gone better than expected and he was beginning to wish that they had had this conversation a long time ago. It would make the next part a whole lot easier.

"What happened tonight?" Donna pushed. "People are worried about you."

He let out a small laugh. "You and Leo are worried…the others probably think I'm crazy."

"True." Donna shrugged and took a step closer to him.

"I don't want to tell you…" He whispered.

"Why?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" She repeated. "Josh, just tell me…Is it nightmares? I can get hold of Stanley."

"It's not…" He told her. "I don't know why I said what I did about windows…I knew what you and Leo would think."

"Well, why did you?" She asked. "And why did you trash that room? That's not like you."

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the cold window pane. He hated that Leo was making him do this…He had not got his own mind around everything, it wasn't fair he had to explain it to Donna…That he had to convince her, not having the treatment was the best choice for him.

"Josh…"

"I got some bad news."

"Your Mom?"

"No…She's fine…"

"The President? The campaign?" She guessed but continued when Josh didn't speak. "What, Josh…What is it? It's can't be that bad…Can it?"

"The cancer…" He said quickly, just needing to get it out. "It's…its back."

"What?" Her eyes widened. "But…"

"I found out this morning…" He continued. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry." She repeated. "Why are you sorry?"

He shrugged. "I don't know…just seems like a good thing to say…I don't really what else I should say."

"God, Josh…This isn't fair." She whispered. "This isn't right."

"I know." He agreed. "Listen, I haven't told anyone apart Leo and I want to keep it that way."

"How do you plan on doing that?" Donna asked. "You remember how hard it was to travel during the chemo…"

Donna trailed off when she realized what Josh had in mind.

"I shouldn't have told you…" He said. "This was a bad idea…Just forget about it…"

"Forget about it?" She stared at him. "How am I meant to forget about it? How am I meant to watch you getting sicker and sicker and not…"

"Donna…"

"Tell me this is just you being you…Tell me you just want to finish the campaign before you get treatment." She pleaded. "Tell me that there is treatment."

"You know me better than anyone… You know I don't back down from anything, right?" Josh asked. "You know that I wouldn't just quit."

She shook her head a little, having a horrible feeling where this was going. "Don't tell me."

"What?"

"I don't need to know." She claimed. "I'd rather not know."

Josh let out a small laugh. "Me too."

They fell into silence, Josh willing not to say anymore because it meant he didn't need to talk about it.

"It's been a long day…You probably want to get some sleep…" Josh started but as he turned around he found Donna stood right behind him. Before he could say anything, she stepped closer and pressed her lips to his. He kissed back for a second but then forced himself to pull away. "Donna?"

There were tears in her eyes and she reached down, taking both his hands in hers and gripping onto them tightly. "It's been hell, Josh…Being away from you has to been so hard…not knowing if you're okay or what you're thinking…"

"I'm sorry…" He whispered, not knowing what else to say.

"Stop saying that." She said firmly. "I don't want you to be sorry…"

"What do you want?"

"I want….I want you to be okay." She claimed. "I want this to go away."

"Well, if you got any ideas?" He said, brushing a hand through his hair.

"What did the doctor say?" She sat down on the bed, grabbing his hand pulling him down with her.

"Does it matter?" He questioned. "There's nothing they can do to get rid of it…"

"But he must have said something." Donna claimed. "He wouldn't just let you deal with this alone."

He sighed. "There are some options…"

"What options?" Her eyes widened a little and her hand tightened around him.

"There is some kind of treatment…It could slow the cancer down or something like that." He said but he had already made him mind up.

"Josh…" She started to protest but he stopped her.

"No, I can't do it…I won't." He shook his head. "I'm not living what's left of my life like that."

"But what if…"

"Donna, you need to listen to me, okay?" He turned so he was facing her fully. "I may not know all the technical medical mumbo jumbo but I do know that Dr. Mitchell said the cancer has spread and is at stage where it cannot be beaten..."

"But the treatment…"

"I've been there before remember and the only thing that got me through all that chemo was the fight…This is fight is already over before it's really begun." He continued. "I want to do this job…I want to make Matt Santos President… I want to achieve my dreams while I can."

"What did the doctor suggest?" Donna asked. "He must have given you his opinion."

"I didn't really give him chance…I wanted to get out of there." He admitted.

"You have to talk to him again, Josh." She claimed.

"I will." He fell backwards, lying down. "But not yet."

"Josh…"

"It's not going to change anything, Donna and I'm not going to change my mind." He mumbled. "If I have the treatment, all it will be doing is prolonging my life to suffer and end up in a hospice where someone has to take care of me."

"You don't know that." She scooted back a little on the bed, so she was sat closer to him. "They might not be able to get rid of the cancer but you could still have years left with the treatment."

"And I could have months." He sat up. "I can't take the risk…I want to live my life to the full."

"Please, Josh…" She pleaded gripping his shirt. "Please just go back to the doctor and talk to him and listen to what he says."

He looked down at her and his heart broke a little to see tears in her eyes. "I'm not promising you anything…I'll go back but you have to realize this is my decision."

She suddenly hugged him tightly, breaking down, sobbing into his shirt. "Please just don't give up…"

He slowly wrapped his arms around and pressed his lips to the top of her hair. "I'm not just going to give up but I want to do this my way."

She tightened her hold on him and continued to cry.

"It'll be okay…" He whispered, running a hand gently up and down her back. "It will be okay."

She slowly lifted her head to look at him and he reached out, to gently brush a few tears off her face. She continued to look at him before leaning in a kissing him softly. She pulled back once but kissed him again when he stayed silent.

When he felt her moving so she led fully on him, he was the one that pulled back. He pushed some loose hair back behind her ear.

"You sure about this?" He asked; his voice rough with emotion.

"Yes." She whispered and nodded her head.

He cupped her cheeky gently, catching one more tear with his thumb before pulling her back down for another kiss.

**TBC**

**Please review and let me know what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5

**So….Hi…Remember me?**

**I have no idea how six months have passed since I've update. I am so sorry and I hope there are people out there still reading!  
**

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and added it to their favorite and story alerts. Really does mean the world to me. Thanks again!**

**Enjoy!**

**I'm Not Fine**

Leo wasn't entirely surprised when he knocked on Josh's hotel door the next morning and Donna answered.

"Hi…."

"Good morning." He smirked.

She rolled her eyes, knowing there was no good trying to come up with an excuse for being there at 6:40am.

"Come in." She stepped aside.

"Is he awake yet?"

"In the shower." She closed the door.

"Did he tell you?" Leo wanted to be sure.

"Yeah…" She sighed. "But that can't be all, can it? There must be something we can do?"

"I've made some calls…Got him an appointment with a specialist here for today." Leo told her.

"You're wasting your time."

They both turned and saw Josh in the doorway to the bathroom, already dressed and drying his hair with a towel.

"Josh…"

"I've already told you…I'm doing this my way."

"Just get a second opinion."

He sighed. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll call Dr. Mitchell and speak with him again."

"Why won't you see another doctor?" Donna asked.

"Because there is no point." He answered. "Because they will just run more tests that will say the same and there will be more people that know about this."

"Look, why don't we just head down for breakfast?" Leo suggested. "The Congressman is waiting for us…We can discuss this later."

"There's nothing to discuss." Josh replied, grabbing some folders off the bed and headed for the door.

Once he was gone, Leo turned to Donna and put a reassuring hand on her arm. "He's just trying to do what he thinks is right."

"Yeah but for who?" She asked. "Himself or the campaign?"

"This is Josh Lyman…" Leo smiled a little. "He's going to put the campaign first no matter what."

"But that's not right."

"It is for him." Leo shrugged.

"So, you agree with him? You agree he shouldn't fight this but instead carry on working."

"Of course I want him to fight this." He hissed. "But if there is nothing to fight…"

"If there is one chance…"

"He's got to be happy, Donna…If this is last thing he does then he will be happy." Leo cut her off. "That's what I want."

She turned her back to him to hide her tears; she just couldn't come to terms with a future without Josh.

"But I'm not just going to let this go…" He added. "I'm going to get him to the appointment today…I promise you."

_**XxXxX**_

Leo stuck close with both Josh and Donna throughout the morning. Josh barely spoke during the breakfast meeting and Donna stayed by his side. He could see Congressman Santos was watching them and Matt had already tried to corner him once, probably to find out what was going on.

He could understand Josh's reasons for not wanting people to know and any other time he would be able to accept it but it just seemed like they were giving up. That they were just going to let this thing win without putting up a fight. That wasn't who they were.

Looking around the room, he considered the team working on this election. Matt Santos was a good man…Would make a great president. Leo knew that if Matt thought for one minute that Josh was risking his health to get him elected then he would quit the campaign there and then.

Then there was Lou Thornton… Josh had needed someone like her on the trail. Someone who wasn't afraid to argue with him. He wondered what her reaction would be and couldn't help but think she would want to use it as PR.

Edie Ortega had known Josh for quite a while and Leo knew she would take him aside and point when he was being an ass but that's about it.

Otto, Bram, Lester, Ronna, Annabeth…none of them would know how to handle this.

They needed Sam and C.J and Toby. They needed to the President and the First Lady…They needed their family. The trouble was, right now they were all too far away and not just in distance. Since Sam had moved back to California, they didn't hear from him much. They knew he was doing well in his law firm but it meant he had been kept busy.

Then there was C.J…She had to distant herself from Josh before the nomination; they all had. Josh understood that, he knew it was how politics worked. Then afterwards, things got crazier and realistically, he knew that neither of them had time to call the other. He also wondered whether there was a part of C.J that felt guilty for getting the job that had rightly been Josh's. Despite all the time that had passed since his heart attack, he hadn't found the right time to talk to Josh and tell him the reason he recommended her not him was so he could leave to help elect the next President. Granted, he never thought his deputy would go and seek out an underdog of his own.

Toby was a different matter altogether. It would be political suicide for anyone on the campaign to contact him right now and Toby knew that better than anyone. Leo had been shocked when it was announced Toby was the leak but he knew that the other man would want put a big distant between himself and the Santos campaign. Despite his initial reservations about Matt Santos, Leo knew Toby wouldn't want to do anything to hurt the election.

The one person, he knew who would know what to say was the President. He, himself was in the middle of his own health battle and would have a little bit more of an understanding.

No matter what or where they all were, Leo knew that if they found out what was happening, they would drop everything to do anything Josh needed. He also knew that if he broke his promise and went behind Josh's back, he would never been forgiven.

Sighing, he refilled his coffee cup and sat beside Annabeth who immediately started to fill him in on his schedule for the day; only listening just enough for questions he needed to answer while his eyes stayed on the couple across the room.

One pretending like everything was normal…The other fussing and trying to take care of everything.

"Leo." Matt said from behind him, his hands in his pocket. "Could I have a word?"

Leo looked up at him, wondering what he could say to get out of the conversation. "Of course."

As he followed the congressman out of the room, he could feel Josh's eyes watching them.

"Is there anything I need to know?" Matt asked as soon as they were alone in the hallway.

"Sir?"

"I'm not dumb, Leo." Matt claimed. "Something is up with Josh…"

"Maybe you should talk to him…"

"And you're keeping this protective watch over him." Matt continued, refusing to be cut off. "What happened?"

Leo opened his mouth to spin some kind of story but Matt was right, he wasn't dumb and to try and lie his way would just make matters worse.

"You'll know when you need to know." Leo stated, calmly.

"Excuse me?" Matt's eyes narrowed.

"Sir, I understand you don't like being kept in the dark but trust me when I say I'll tell you what you need to know when you need to know."

Matt stayed silent for a few seconds, just looking at him and trying to work out what to believe. "Did you talk to the president like this?"

"Every day." Leo gave a single nod.

Matt sighed in defeat. "Okay, fine…but you're right, I don't like it."

"I wouldn't either, Sir." Leo claimed. "But believe me, sometimes you're better off not knowing."

"Not making me feel better, Leo." Matt said as he walked past him and back into the conference room.

"Yeah, me either." He muttered quietly to himself.

Before he could follow the younger man, Josh rushed out. "What was that about?"

Leo rolled his eyes. "We were talking about the pancakes…"

"Leo…"

"He knows something is up." Leo told him. "He was asking about it."

"Did you tell him?"

"What do you think?" Leo shot him a look.

"Sorry." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I just…I don't want anything to damage the campaign."

"He would want to help, Josh….Everyone would want to help."

"And how do you think they'll feel when they can't?" He looked up at him again. "No, this way is better…This way nothing changes."

"Except in a few days, weeks or months…when you keel over and die…I think that will have an impact of everyone's lives." Leo said bluntly.

Josh shrugged. "Everyone has to die sometime…"

"Josh…"

"If it's my time then I'm doing it my way."

"So you keep saying…" Leo shook his head a little.

"I don't want to argue about this." He glanced back towards the room, making sure no one was the listening.

"Fine but just think about something for me..." Leo asked. "Think about how everyone in that room…everyone at the White House…The President, Abbey, C.J, Charlie, Zoey... Sam and Toby will feel if it breaks on CNN that you're sick…"

Josh watched him walk away and leaned back again the wall. There was a part of him that understood what Leo was saying and he would absolutely hate for everyone to find out that way but he still couldn't bring himself to change his mind. In fact, he wished he could back in time and spare Donna and Leo all this trouble.

**TBC**

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